I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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