The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
