Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
