I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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