A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
