I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
