I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
