I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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