u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Randomize
