Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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