Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
