Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
