I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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