i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
