That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
