I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
