She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
