last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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