And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
