Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
