bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
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