hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
