if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
