My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
