then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
