hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
