Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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