I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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