my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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