and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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