Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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