I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Randomize
