My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Randomize
