did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
