Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
