my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
