PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
