I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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