More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
