So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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