Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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