yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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