After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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