can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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