i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
