Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
he thought i was a dude.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
