drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
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