My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
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