god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
