guys are not supposed to queef...right?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
